There are moments in life when I look back at my younger self and feel tenderness so deep down that it starts to hurt. I start to see my younger self moving through a world feeling confused, overwhelmed and desperately trying to be “normal.” And I wish I could wrap my arms around her to shield her from the misunderstandings and give her the answers I never received. 

This is a letter I wish someone had written to me. This is the letter to my younger autistic self had found tucked in a drawer, waiting for her to read. 

Dear younger Me, 

I wish I could sit beside you right now, hold your hand and tell you that there is absolutely nothing about you is wrong.  The things that make us feel ” different” are not flaws they are simply just a sign of a mind that works beautifully in its own way. I know in most cases you feel the need to shrink yourself in order to fit into a crowd. I see the way your hands shake when you get nervous when there is a lot of people around, the way you force your eye contact even though it feels like your staring into the sun. I see how carefully you study people, memorizing the right expressions, the correct responses, the right expressions and the acceptable amount of emotion. You feel left out in not receiving the rulebook everybody else got accept for us.  

But I see you. 

I see your heart. 

I see your efforts. 

I see the way you try even when you’re exhausted. 

One day, you’ll stop fighting yourself. You’ll learn that needing a break is not a weakness. You’ll learn that your way of loving fully, honestly and intensely is a gift. You will meet people along the way who will become your biggest supporters. These are the people who truly know you when you are your true authentic self. They understand the daily struggles you face and the deep impact of being neurodiverse.  

Two of these people are Mom and Dad. They will play a big role in your life. Mom is the one who makes sure you get the maximum amount of support you need in your academic career and in life itself. She has sat through endless IEP meetings and set up numerous doctors appointments so that you get the care you need. Dad is going to be the person you run to hug when the world just feels to noisy. He is the first person you will call after the hardest week of college, You  may not see it now but these people are the one’s who actually never gave up on you and have cheered you on the whole time. So if I can make one request, it would be that you are a little easier on them in your High school years.  

As you get older you will slowly start to unmask and be able to breath steadily. I know you might not believe it yet, but you are going to grow into someone who is strong and self aware. You are going to become someone who speaks up for yourself and those who are just like you. When you get into college you will start to embrace your neurodivergence and start a blog about what it is like. Bringing awareness to those who are blinded to it. 

I know you’re tired and the world feels too loud, But you are about to make in impact on people one person at a time. You may not feel it now, but you have so much worth stored up inside of you. It is going to take some time, but people will actually start to see the fullness of your heart. So please just take everything one step at a time even if it feels like a running race. I promise you that life has so much in store for the two of us. We are just getting started! 

with love, 

 your freshman year of college self